i saw this on one of those strange little picture slideshow websites so i decided to post it ;) have fun kids
I have found heaven and it’s full of liquor
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
I always need this on my blog.
I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.
Forever reblogging this
You could just go to pancheros where they mix the contents of said burrito before wrapping it.
"Most girls that like snakes and weird animals are ugly" pardon me while I put my snake on my face to demonstrate the several fucks that none of us give
Allow me to join you with my snake scarf and lack of fucks
I don’t think I’d have a face left if I did what you guys were doing, but I want to play anyway.
don’t give even one tiny little fuck
NEIGH HOY MENOY
I was gonna reblog this either way but that last one made me want to reblog it even more
**LOST SERVICE DOG**
To my fellow Bay Area humans:
My name is Heather Pujals and I rescued an amazing dog named Ryan nearly 4 years ago who just went missing in Daly City, CA on Tuesday, July 16, 2014. She is a SERVICE DOG who, although I never expected this when I adopted her, has the gift of being able to detect the oncomings of my debilitating migraines. I have suffered with these all my life (they run in the family) and they have always caused me to miss a lot of school and work, and they are so excruciating that I become unable to drive, leave the house, or even eat, and I am sometimes forced to stay in bed for days. With The help of Ryan’s early detection of the chemical changes in my body before a migraine hits, I can take preventative medication that 9/10 times stops the migraine from surfacing. (Migraine alert dogs are not very common yet, but they are similar to seizure alert dogs.) I need her help, and it just so happens that her separation anxiety is bad enough that she really needs me too. We are like Siamese twins and never go anywhere without each other. Pease help spread the word—even if you don’t live in the Bay Area, maybe you have friends or connections who do. Every “share” counts and the clock is ticking. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to Ryan. The longer she is out there, the higher her chances of being hit by a car (or other terrible things) become.
Mostly black with brown paws, long silky yet fluffy fur, medium size, 40 lbs, floppy ears, black spots on pink tongue, border collie mix.
Extremely shy, afraid of strangers (will not approach), will run if chased (DO NOT CHASE IF YOU SEE HER, call (408) 316-1587 ASAP and perhaps follow calmly from a distance), very sweet and loving with those she knows well, is very smart and knows dozens of commands but likely will not respond in this situation.
Last seen on Tuesday, July 16 at 12pm near St. Francis Blvd and Higate Dr., Daly City, CA 94015.
Ryan is a 4 year old spayed female who is current on her Rabies vaccination, is microchipped, and is licensed in the city of San Francisco. She was wearing a blue collar with a name tag that has my number, as well as her SF dog license.
Your “share” could make the difference to help reunite me and Ryan. I can’t stand to be away from her and I know she is suffering too. Thank you.
I CHALLENGE YOU TO A BATTLE OF WITS
The game is this:
I set up five pairs of identical looking shots:
pineapple juice or lemon juice,
Chinese sugar tea or apple cider vinegar,
flat coke or soy sauce,
water or distilled white vinegar,
and tomato juice or Tabasco sauce.
I challenge a player in the circle to a color. They pick one and I take the other, with our best poker faces. Other players have to guess who got what.
It’s like the Princess Bride/A Study in Pink but no one gets poisoned!
you people are sick